The cost of a divorce can vary widely based on the approach you take. In the frum community, there are three primary ways to go about a divorce:
Typically, each spouse is responsible for their own legal fees. However, the court may order one spouse to cover both parties’ fees if that spouse has significantly greater financial resources and the other spouse has little or no income. However, the final court or Bais Din processing fees are often split between the two parties. If the couple chooses mediation, the costs are generally divided as well, though there may be additional costs for lawyer consultations.
The length of the divorce process depends on the couple’s cooperation and the complexity of their situation:
In the frum community, the most common parenting time arrangement is a 70-30 split, where the mother has primary parenting time (70%) and the father has visitation rights (30%). The father typically has the children every other weekend, along with one or two weekday visits, which may include an overnight stay or a dinner visit.
Some couples choose a 50-50 arrangement, which can look like alternating weeks or dividing the year in half. However, this arrangement can be challenging for children, and is less common in traditional Jewish families. parenting time arrangements, including how Yamim Tovim are split, are often flexible depending on the couple’s cooperation.
It’s best to consult a therapist or counselor who specializes in divorce and child development when planning how to talk to your children. Some experts recommend telling the children as a family, while others suggest speaking to each child individually. A clinician can help guide you in framing the conversation in a way that minimizes trauma and emotional harm. The children’s ages will also guide how the information is best communicated to them.
Separation is not required before filing for divorce, though it can help both spouses adjust and make decisions with more clarity. Some couples may resist separating due to financial concerns, and legally, there is no requirement for separation before divorce. However, living separately can give both parties a better understanding of what life might look like post-divorce, especially when it comes to shared parenting time and finances. Separation can sometimes lead spouses to become more open to working on marital harmony (shalom bayis) rather than pursuing divorce.
Divorce mediation is a process where a couple works with a neutral third party (a mediator) to create a mutually agreeable divorce settlement. The mediator helps resolve key issues like parenting time , finances, parenting time (including Shabbosim and Yomim Tovim), and asset division. After an agreement is drafted, it’s reviewed by lawyers and filed in court. The mediator may also coordinate the halachic (Jewish) divorce, or get.
Divorce arbitration involves a neutral arbitrator who makes final, binding decisions in cases where the couple cannot agree. Often, the mediator or a dayan serves as the arbitrator. Couples typically include an arbitration clause in their agreement for resolving future disputes, such as disagreements about travel or parenting time .
Not always. If you're working with a mediator and want a peaceful process, a lawyer isn’t strictly necessary. However, it’s wise to have a lawyer review the final agreement to ensure your rights are protected. In court or if the other party has legal representation, hiring a lawyer is more important. Keep in mind that lawyers may escalate conflict, so it’s crucial to stay in control and clearly express your goals.
A to’en is like a Jewish legal advocate who represents clients in bais din. Many mediators and dayanim believe they’re unnecessary unless the other side brings one. If you can advocate for yourself confidently, you likely don't need a to’en. However, if you're intimidated or unsure, having one can be helpful. They can be costly and may add unnecessary tension.
There are two approaches:
Among other things, a standard agreement includes:
Keep the Divorce Process Short and Peaceful
Maintain a Cooperative Co-Parenting Relationship
Find a Neutral Support Person
Arches provides two distinct types of support for couples navigating divorce, pre and post divorce support.
This service is designed for couples who have mutually agreed to divorce.
The couple will have an Initial Intake Session. Couples visit the Arches office or have a virtual session with one of our divorce consultants.
The session will include:
Education & Guidance:
Community Resources:
Goal: To help couples approach divorce peacefully and efficiently, with informed and emotionally grounded decisions.
This service supports co-parenting families after the divorce, especially those who struggle with communication, by providing
Parental Coordination
Goal: To help couples eventually communicate independently and no longer require Arches' services.
Unfortunately, no. Arches' services—both pre-divorce and post-divorce support—are designed for couples who are aligned and ready to work together. When spouses are not on the same page, progress is difficult and often unproductive.
What Arches can offer in this situation is a one time initial intake call consisting of
This FAQ offers a practical, compassionate overview of the divorce process in the frum community, including costs, timelines, and options through Bais Din, mediation, or the court system. It also covers parenting arrangements, co-parenting guidance, and ways to support children, along with an overview of the support services available through Arches before and after divorce.
